Anyone else find themselves having contradictions within themselves?

My brain forces me to follow my old ways with things, because it follows patterns. For example ever since I was a child, I was quiet and introverted probably from some trauma or illness, who knows. And here I am still quite and unable to open up in real life. Yet my heart tells me that it’s wrong and I should better myself. I.e. socialise more. I do also think that family pressure is affecting this though, because they always compare me to others and expect me to do certain things like go out to parties and what […]

The last time I almost died by suicide, I wasn’t actually trying to kill myself. Sometimes, I just like to flirt with death. One evening, I bought a fifth of rum and got shitfaced. And I was tying knots around my neck, with the other end connected to the right-side arm of my treadmill. I wasnt trying to die, just flirting. Just hanging in a frontward fall, feeling it out, and positioning back upright when it got to be too much. Comforting, actually. Well, I kept drinking and accidently passed-out with the knot around my neck. Someone knocked on my door to tell me dinner […]

I’ve been on SP for like 3 years, lurking until now. I’m here just like all, if not most of you are; depressed, suicidal. I think I’m finally ready to open up here, at least it’s somewhere…

Okay, uh, where to begin. This isn’t going to be organized as far as I’m aware, not much organization but hopefully by keeping that in mind I’ll organize things more this time:

I was supposed to immediately start applying for jobs back in late November or so. Er, not really, in that such a thing did not happen even though at the end of the day the same things were barring me from taking the same courses of action and I had to jump through the hoops anyways to begin with, whatever it was I kind of wasted time there ultimately. Primarily in terms of not […]

Fortunate enough to have PTO to cover me this week.

I was able to find a therapist. Finally got an appointment for the first time in years tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes.

Looked for computer parts to upgrade my setup, found nothing. But I felt better going outside and looking for computer parts instead of staring at a computer screen for 8 hours at work.

Broke my 2 month long sober streak, drinking all now.

Feeling a bit dissapointed atm. Not sure of the person I’ve become unfortunately. Things are better in some aspects, worse in others.

I just […]

Just thought I’d post something funny and light-hearted.
Hope at least 1 person gets a chuckle out of this:

Is it honorable for an evil person to kill themselves?

The last time I was in the lab was Sunday. Tomorrow is Sunday. I have already accepted the fact that I will miss the January deadline. Even if this didn’t happen, it wouldn’t have really mattered. In retrospect, this was probably good. I hadn’t had a long break this winter, so this was probably for the best. Unfortunately all I did was watch YouTube and worry about the stupid robot. So even as a break it sucked. I did get to sleep late though. That was nice. I tried to do some writing but maybe […]

I can’t imagine anyone really knowing me, understanding me, seeing me, and still wanting to be close to me. And that’s something I have this fundamental longing for. To be seen, to be loved, to be accepted, to be held. To be ok. In the eyes of others, through my own eyes. To be acceptable. And I can’t imagine ever getting to that point, no matter what I do.

Even if I spent the next 20 years successfully resisting my worst impulses, and pulled myself together enough to do some real good in the world. Even if I really tried to be someone I’m not ashamed […]

I tried to kill myself again today. I’ve felt so bad these past few days. I’ve felt so angry, so miserable, and so lonely. I wanted to make new friends this new year, so I joined a bunch of Discord servers to make friends. But no matter where I went I was out of place. I felt like such a loser that I couldn’t even make friends online. I’ve tried to cope by doing things like writing or drawing when I feel bad, but I always end up feeling worse because nothing I ever try turns out correctly.

I couldn’t take it anymore and tonight I […]

Just venting. I dont think I’m a good person.

I created a Hell around me, and I suffer for it, and I wish I never existed in the first place because I don’t enjoy my life nearly as much as I wish I did.

More than anything, I want to go back. Regain my innocence. Regain my hope. Take a different path through life. Never see the things I’ve seen, never discover the things I know. Be an optimist till my dying die, even in the face of death.

There’s no going back. There’s only forward. Even if you could somehow transport yourself to a past setting and time, you would remain who you are now moving forward. You couldn’t transport yourself back into your former self, without replacing that self. There may in some sense be the past “you” that still exists, somewhere. But there is no way of […]

some things drive me to true and complete madness, like a starving man tortured with pictures of food, or a thirsty one given images of water, and it’s this;

There are a few dozen fat billionaires currently setting up their lives, they have nothing better to do than build rockets and fund AI. Ruining lives is all they do.

Meanwhile there’s a piece of woods sitting out there for $106,000 and if I had it I’d be a lot less angry at life. I could build a little cabin on it, and a pole barn, and get some stuff done….. that amount of money to one of […]

The deep friendship that allowed me to open my heart had to end. She and I were passionate about art and found deep meaning in it that also deepened our friendship. However, an artwork I made last year depicted two people caring for each other. It was pure and innocent. However, these two people were naked (to symbolize vulnerability) and she took it as something sexual, which our friendship was strictly not. I understand nudity can bring sexual thoughts. The people in the artwork were inspired by us, but not us at all. I thought that was the end of the discussion.

One year goes by […]

The last few months have felt that way. Thinking back to late September early October, I can remember my never ending time spent at the lab working towards submitting for a conference in October. I failed. Then I kept working. I failed to finish my Thesis by December. Then I kept working. I am going to fail submitting to the January conference. Going back to thinking about my summer internship, that feels like a million miles away now. Thinking about last January and the terror I felt at only having a year left feels like a million […]

Note to self- remember always the eternal aspect of the universe and it may just lighten some of the weight of this world off my heart.

F#ck 2025 and all that follows.

Massacre in New Orleans on NY Day- 15 killed

This comes after a woman was set on fire and burned alive in a NYC subway. Then a few days later, there was another person (man) set on fire on the NYC subway.

5 young teens (~13yo) gang beat an elderly man to death. And filmed it (gen z, ofc). Good thing these POS’s filmed their crimes (not only them but tons of other criminals), bc otherwise, police would never do anything.

One of the posters here on SP said there’s all sorts of craziness going on in Europe- well- America has […]

i’m intensely embarrassed that i don’t know how to kill myself, even after so much searching on the internet, if i told someone i’d turn red from the shame. kids have accidentally strangled themselves to death with only their hands for a stupid challenge. this must mean that i’m not motivated enough to attempt, i’m relatively fine if i don’t think about it. another thing i’m trying to ignore. it’s been 6 years since i’ve shared happiness with people, laughed genuinely with someone i could call a friend. i really need to die before i go insane and maybe hurt someone. it’s my worst nightmare, […]

I got some emotional news today. My cousin who is three years older than me is still alive. I had been living for the last year or two on equal understanding that she might be dead. I didn’t want her dead, but it’s a hazard of how she’s living her life.

Her being alive though, that’s shocking. Turns out she had syphilis and smoked some fentynyl along the way, see what I mean? Her being alive is a rather amazing thing. She’s turning 40 this year. I wonder if I’ll see her again.

Sometimes I wonder if my whole family is under some sort of supernatural pact […]

Well I screwed myself again. I don’t have access to the lab anymore. Great. I already submitted the form for my access to be extended to June, but it seems I can’t get in today. Don’t know if it’s for the holiday or what. I submitted the form again and realized what screwed my. My fucking advisor needs to approve it. When I submitted the form before, it was just after the semester ended. The fucking guy can’t be bothered to read his email during the semester most of the time, he aint going to read it […]