So I broke down and called the hotline last night, there’s a pain threshold where I have to because it’s that or start screaming. I’m being melodramatic, but only by a little. Passive suicidality, but it’s pervasive and it’s been going for a few days. I just don’t want to wake up, or go to sleep, any activity that involves living grinds against me and I have to force it.

It was this dumb job that messaged me back. They wanted me to use my old truck and my truck isn’t up to it, I think I’ve already talked about that. I wrote them a cover […]

I’m tired of life again

I really need to get a handle of my drinking. Yesterday I bought a bottle of rum on my way home from work. This morning Ive woken up with the worst headache. My wife is understandably angry at me. Ive drunk texted my boss and dont remember it (thank goodness I said nothing too crazy and sound normal). Just shame, guilt, anxiety, and body aches. I drink to feel better…but I dont, lol. I need to stop.

Pretty much the title. T minus 3 weeks out from my presentation. Still need to formally schedule the stupid thing. Been putting it off like I always do. Got no more steam for this project. I’ve always hated the design and never thought it would work. Always kinda phoned it in on that aspect. Getting through the last tests painfully slow. Motors keep burning out and I’m hemorrhaging money cause of it. Every time I turn that stupid fucking thing on, I immediately want to turn it off. This degree is going to be […]

Ren and stimpy will always be part of mine

My parents were so afraid of bad influences, but for some reason they never stopped me from watching this show which definitely warped my attitude towards the world forever, made ma sarcastic cuss who didn’t trust anyone I met

And we will probably go to hell, and that is our great reward…..

I mean this ran in the afternoon on children’s programming, I have no idea how they got away with it

Then there was the thinly disquised episode about anti depressants, where Stimpy put a machine on Ren that forced him to be happy, and Ren hated it, resulting […]

sOme people break. Some people bend. And some bend into such a deformed unrecognizable mess that they are functionally broken but they keep going. Give you 1 guess which one am I.

Breaking would be suicide and I clearly haven’t done that. Ever since I sobered up I don’t have the guts. Bending would be adapting to life or at least trying to maintain the basics of survival, work, earn, pay bills, eat. Sometimes I eat.

No I’m just some sort of jellified aberration of both life and death, like the ending of that Harlan Ellison story “I have no mouth” that’s me, except I don’t even […]

Hey, sorry I need to rant because I have no one else to talk to.
So obviously I’m unfortunately still here, but hell I shouldn’t be if I wasn’t such a coward!
I know I have a relatively quiet life so I should be so happy even if it’s so lonely.
I’m still working in retail and realistically I won’t change it, I’m so dreadful of changes I’m getting meltdowns whenever something big changing in my life and I don’t know why!
So basically I see my options as just be a cashier for 40+ years (I’m 26) which causes me a lots […]

I was depressed as a teenager. I used to think to myself, “Nothing matters. No one likes me. I dont have [xyz]”. The truth was that I had every opportunity in the world at my feet. I was just too afraid to take them.

Post prison, I experience similar thoughts. I find it difficult to see or appreciate whats left in my life. But I remember how I was as a teenager, the freedoms I took for granted. And I do my best not to make the same mistake. I dont want to take for granted even what little I have left, as discouraged as I […]

The mirror reflects a face unknown,
A hollow gaze, a heart of stone.
No spark to light the endless dark,
Just endless night, a fading spark.

i’m not even living anymore. i’m just existing. it’s only been one year since i got depression, but i feel like i don’t have anything left worth living for. no friends, no future. my father said im just being a dramatic teenager – haha maybe he’s right

i’m being sent to boarding school next year, i haven’t had a friend in the last 3 years, and i’m emotionally disconnected from my family. my parents don’t […]

I feel like I write too much on here, speaking of me being a jerk, so if that’s the case please someone say something. It’s really a case of me just being lonely.

Anyway, to the point; I was waking up today and I had this brilliant semi lucid dream, I can remember enough of it to know that it was the best written bit to come out of my brain in……. I don’t know how long. It was so well written it woke me up a bit, made me angry. I tried to commit it to memory, and it was almost instantly gone, because as […]

Would I be able to come back

and fight it all away

Would I suddenly find my regrets

and remember why to stay

I have no social life. I can decide if this is good or not. Sometimes, I really enjoy it. No arguing, no insults, games, exercize…its very peaceful to go hiking alone and to be out in the forest by yourself.

Ive been told by others that Im a nobody though, and its seems like other people treat me like I am. It bothers me. And I do get lonely sometimes. But then again…what would motivate me to want the presence of people who think this about me in the first place?

Maybe its better to be alone.

Little more than 3 weeks away from thesis presentation. I’m beyond fucked. A week ago I felt optimistic. It felt wrong to feel that way, so I’m happy to say I’m fucked. Makes me feel sane. Makes me comfortable. The dread. Hating being around other people. It feels natural. Feeling the other way felt unnatural. For a hot minute there I thought I was hypo-manic. There’s no way I can get my shit together for the presentation. I’ll be lucky if they downgrade my thesis to a capstone. It happened to one […]

It’s kind of everything that’s getting worse, except appetite, for once appetite isn’t a problem. Maybe that’s what I should focus on, what isn’t malfunctioning. I’m getting along with people fine. I’m doing what is asked of me by my family, so that’s good right? The A/C works, which I need today because it’s 80 F***ing degrees in March.

What’s getting worse though is my sleep, and anxiety. I laid in bed last night really struggling, and this morning it was like that too, because I didn’t want to wake up. When I am awake I have trouble finding stuff to do, even just getting into […]

I think I just got hired at this new job but I’m not sure because they haven’t updated me on anything after my drug test/physical/background check.

I’m essentially living with an ogre/twit. My father is someone who nobody ever visits because he has a chip on his shoulder nearly 24/7.

I don’t know if he’s a narcissist but he goes from 0-100 real fast. He likes to find new things in his house to hyper focus on and complain about. I’m fine with following his rules but it’s how he communicates those rules that just rubs me the wrong way.

For starters, he’ll call for […]

Someone jumped off my bridge not long ago. It’s not a popular suicide spot despite being a 200ft drop to icy water with a swift current that sucks you out to sea. Often the bodies are never found, and that’s why I picked it as my bridge. No survivors have been reported.

I just don’t get the point of being alive, and when you mix that with a painful existence it’s a no brainer. Literally 1+1 = suicide. No one can tell you the point of living; they can tell you their point of living but no one can tell you yours. That would be like […]

It’s hard not to be consumed by hatred, when you’re in pain, and don’t know how to stop it. There’s this part of me that just wants to hurt people, I suppose to have some external outlet for that pain. Or maybe to make them as miserable as me, since misery loves company. Then maybe I won’t feel so alone. Perhaps that’s the delusional logic.

And there’s no justification for that. I’m in this situation because of decisions I made. Other people certainly helped me to get here, but I was as free as anyone can be to choose a better path. So I can blame […]

My wife and my dad keep reminding me not to count my chickens on this one, but this is the most activity I’ve had in a long time. Yesterday I bit the bullet and applied for a company I’ve known about for almost 10 years, a company that does utility locates. I haven’t done any utility work in almost 9 years since my hospitalization. — (my timeline is all over the place, no accuracy to be had on that) —

Anyway, the point is that from the moment I applied they started sending me tasks to do. I haven’t had an employer this hungry since I […]

What happened to you? What I mean to ask is, are there things that happened to you that may be the root cause of your troubles? The Main issues?

For me, I had a mother who loved me the best she could but often tried to kill herself. My father also (i believe) loved me the best he could, although he violent. He hit us, broke our things as punishment, yelled at the top of his lungs even in public, and spent a lot of time on his own when he was calm. I grew up afraid of my father, and wherever my mom made an […]

I’m at the stage where whatever it took to last as long as I have has been used up…