and your drs- especially Primary Care Physicians- do not listen to you, do not give you the proper lab tests to find out what you have, or refer you to specialists bc they just don’t believe you?

It’s fucking insanity with PCPs act like cockblocks- they are literally gatekeepers keeping you from seeing specialists and from getting proper labwork.

Why does life have to be so sucky? Like tons of stress, worries, money worries, health issues, etc. Just a litany of crap and more crap in our lives? I mean look- most of us are here with REAL LEGIT issues that leads us to have depression- whether it’s a shitty job, lack of a job, shitty pay, shitty boss, shitty asshole neighbors, or our shitty lot in life. Our depression isn’t going to be gone or solved unless our REAL life issues gets solved. And many of our life issues are hard or near impossible to “fix” or get […]

Tell me something to make me feel better. Not the usual “everything will work out and be fine” stuff we always hear bc apparently, everything has NOT worked out well for most of us here on SP.

Maybe a joke. Maybe some funny story. Maybe a link to a YT short. Feeling bleh. -_-

I tell myself that there are certain things I won’t endure, where I’ll overcome my fear of death and end it if they seem imminent. If my past ever catches up with me, for example. Or nuclear war. Or degenerative illness. Points where it seems outright stupid not to kill myself, to spare myself pointless suffering.

But what’s troubling is that my life is already at the point where on balance, it would probably be better for me if I stopped existing. I’m in near-constant discomfort. The pain isn’t agonizing or anything, but it is enough to make sleep difficult. I’m chronically depressed, and I feel […]

Been a while since I’ve come here and posted. Going on 10 years on this platform in some capacity. Some things have improved. Some have worsened. I’d like to think that my semblance of self is still there somewhere.

I was a teen when I started here. I’m more of a man now. Things for me aren’t bad, but I’m wondering about my mental state.

I go to therapy. It does help. I’m glad I finally went.

I think something is wrong with my brain. Maybe I just process things differently. I could well have the mentality of a young teen […]

I applied for my first job in at least a month, and there was a bit of excitement there; you know that feeling of what if I got the job and it would be nice to be working and earning a living and all that….

A few minutes later I realized I applied for one job. What are the actual odds of me getting one job….. the modern market has been pretty bleak. I tried looking in a few more places, and I tried to get interested in anything else and it just wasn’t happening. This was a flash in a pan, I got lucky in […]

I cant sleep, I cant focus on work, I can hardly eat, and I feel such an exhaustion in my body. I want to stay home and sleep. But I have to go to class. Already behind. I have things to get done.

Masquerades and smiles

We’re at something like four days, which isn’t a lot. I’m more interested in discussing how unremarkable the drop has beeen. I actually think the cannabis was doing less than I gave it credit for, given how the last few days have gone. If it was doing more, the last few days should have gone worse.

This is a pattern with me and drugs, because of how many of them I’m almost always on. I’m almost off the Prozac as well.

It’ll take a month before it’ll do me any good. I guess the upshot is I’m also not smoking.

Cat also came home from the hospital, we’re […]

Something about this song makes me feel things. Im not usually into showtunes, but this particular one was about the person who wrote it. Autobiographical. The lyrics are real, and not fictional. His childhood friend, Michael, breaks the news that he has HIV, at a time when that usually meant death. In this song, Jonathan reminisces about his friend, and thinks about the meaning of his own time left on this earth, and how he will spend it. It made me cry, to be honest. And sometimes, crying is actually a pretty cathartic realease.

The person who wrote this struggled in life. He worked at a […]

Who remembers me!

I am now twenty- it’s not my birthday or anything, I just care a lot about being a certain age… and also just to update, if anyone cares to know.

I am here to say, after a hectic life, today, I finally will say- it’s unlikely that i will die by my own hands…I am reborn, by pure chance, strength, luck, will, internal forces…

all is well, all will…continue to be well. I am sorry for escaping the battle with death, I love you, and I wish the best for you.

<3

Compare oneself to others because when I was in school there were guys 6 foot tall at the age of 13. I was 18 before I got to 6ft. There were guys going around with stubble at 14. I was 20 before I started shaving.  There were guys with girlfriends and I’m assuming active at 15. I was 24 before I got a girlfriend and 28 before I was active with women plural. One should never compare oneself….

Today is our wedding anniversary. As I reflect this morning on the first two years of our marriage, I cant help but to wonder where my head has been at. Despite my ugliness–my criminal record, my past confusion as someone who believed they were transgender, my risky academic endeavors, and despite being somewhat out of shape–somehow, she has still loved me. “Why”, I sometimes wonder? She could be with someone more established, someone richer, someone more mentally stable, someone more fit…but she chose me, and she stuck with me, and she married me. Despite all the things I worry about nyself or dont like about […]

I’ve decided not to apply for Fall semester grad school, which was my plan for my life.

So, here I am, without a plan. I can’t do what my degree is in, not in this state. I’ve worked for every hospital in the city. I can’t figure out how to afford this move, and without that, I can’t figure out how to have any kind of future.

My parents solution, optimists that they are, is to go back to work. My dad seriously thought I could deliver for Amazon. That’s hilarious. My back couldn’t handle being an electrician, which is WAAAAAY less strain than working as a […]

Life could so easily have been so good. But I allowed myself to become so twisted that I was incapable of seeing that, or of enjoying it. I couldn’t see past all the shame and anger, to take the few small steps that could’ve righted my course. And now I can’t stop tormenting myself over what could’ve been, all those years ago. What should’ve been. I do it in my dreams, and then wake up with this gnawing sense of emptiness and absence, where a meaningful life should be.

I should be that person. I should be in that universe. I should’ve made those choices. But […]

I’ll be moving out soon.

My father may be somewhat stable now but it’s only a matter of time before he has another one of his episodes.

This is what he does. He’s mild most days of the week but he’ll eventually rage again about something. And I refuse to be “the cause” behind his next anger outburst.

No, I’m not some brat, I learned pretty early on as a kid to help with chores and keep the house clean, especially with his temper.

But it doesn’t matter. The crazy look in his eyes will eventually resurface.

A few months back I had attempted to escape […]

My wife’s cat is very sick, apparently his bladder is blocked. The worst part of this is that we found it out at 11:30 PM at an after hours vet. I might be getting ahead of myself, let’s rewind.

It started with my wife asking me to help her find the cat. I guessed he’d found a new hiding place, that happens in our house a fair amount of the time. I asked her the critical questions; whether any of the doors to the outside had been left open, and they hadn’t. So he was inside, therefor findable. After about ten minutes of searching I ended […]

There’s a saying that you shouldn’t make any big decisions after 10pm. Searching for any evidence to back that up I found a 2022 study that found:

We looked at timing of suicide deaths, timing of homicide deaths, sleep/wake timing among folks with suicidal ideation in both community and national samples and kept getting the same answer: 2 to 3 AM.

My first dumb thought was: maybe I can stay safe by sleeping through it. Then I remembered, oh yeah dumbass I have incurable insomnia, I’m fucked.

Well I say ‘incurable,’ but tbt there are 2 drugs that work: ambien and gabapentin. But I don’t have insurance so […]

I don’t really want to die, but living is so hard. I have dreams and aspirations like most people do, but for years there’s has just been this empty pit in me. I try so hard to be normal and enjoy life like the people around me do, but I always circle back to this just empty, horrible feeling. I can’t truly see a future for myself. I know what I would want in the future, but I don’t want to actually get there. God, I want to live so bad, truly live, but I just can’t. I’m 20 now. I’m studying abroad, I have […]

Probably like a lot of people here, I spend countless hours of the day thinking about suicide. I try to rationalize it, I try to imagine how it will affect others, I wonder about death and what comes next, and above all I constantly wonder if there’s something I need to do with my life before I end it.

I’ve come up with all sorts of scenarios, but of course everything is speculation. The idea of an afterlife is speculation. Even the idea of nothingness is speculation.

Really the only thing that any of us knows for sure is “I think, therefore I am.” From 1 piece […]

This will basically be a long rant about things Ive realize regarding my own experience. Some of you may find this boring or irrelevant, and thats fine. For the rest of you, feedback regarding your own lives is appreciated 🙂

So, a little while ago, somebody called me an “Internal Nobody”. This is something other, unrelated people have also said about me: a “nobody”. I had no clue what this meant, and so I decided to examine this further and try to figure out what they meant by this. In the course of doing so, Ive made some epiphanies (some of which may look familiar).

1. People […]